February 06, 2016
Dear Mom: Losing a Parent
I have been wanting to write a post about the loss of my Mother for a while now but I just didn't know how to go about it. I wasn't sure if I should write an advice-type post where I talk about how to cope with the loss of a parent or what. So, after much deliberation, I decided to write a letter to my Mom. I know she will never read it but it's just a way for me to express my feeling about her as if I was talking to her...make sense? I hope so lol Anyways, without further ado, I give you Dear Mom.
I don't remember what it was like meeting you for the first time, but I know you always told me that, for you, it was love at first sight. You always told me how I looked so much like Dad and how I had these big blue eyes and this wild mat of dark brown hair. I remember you telling me how they had to weight me three times because I looked alot smaller than I weighed. When I look at old pictures of when I was a toddler, I don't remember any of it, but I know that whatever we were doing, I was enjoying every minute because I was with you. All the pictures of you and me are pictures where you are hugging me, kissing me or holding my hand. You never lacked in showing affection to your kids, even into adulthood.
The times I remember are not all good times. There were many times where I gave your grief, like all teens give their parents. Times where I yelled at you and you yelled back. Times where doors were slammed and dishes were broken. Times where we said things we didn't mean. But I always remember me being my stubborn self and you calling me over to you. At first, I would refuse, but quickly came of over to your open arms and tear filled eyes as we both apologized for our actions and words. I don't remember ever going a more than a day being mad at eachtoher.
I remember going through the old anxiety attacks when I was in high school and when I cried, you gave nothing more than kind words and big hugs. You would wipe my tears and tell me to how proud you were of me regardless of my shortfalls. You never made me feeling like I was not normal or that I was being dramatic over silly things in life. You knew how real the struggle was for me.
All the times you talked about Dad and how you met eachother will forever stick in my mind. I remember how you said it was love at first sight and how you knew you would marry this man. You made me believe that it's possible to find someone for life. That through good and bad, you will always love eachother. You both made me believe in true love and the power of it, something I hope to find one day.
I remember the day I heard the news. That soon you would no longer be with us. I remember not feeling anything because I felt like I was dreaming. How was I going to live without you? When reality hit me, I had never felt so much pain and sadness in my entire life. I always thought I had seen and felt a broken heart, with all the stupid boys who seemed to have broken it so many times. But I was wrong! Nothing compared to the feeling I felt that day. I kissed you and told you how much I loved you every night before leaving you, for fear that would be the last time I would be able to do so. One day, that fear came to a cold reality and you had vanished from our lives.
It hurts me that you won't be there to meet my future husband, whoever her may be. Or to help me pick a wedding dress for the big day. You won't be there to hear that I am having my first child, if such a thing ever happens and you won't be there to hold my hand to tell me everything will be alright.
Mom, I can never convey my feelings to you again, but if you were here, this is what I would say. Because of you, I am a bigger person, a person who struggles but still carries on. A person who doesn't like everyone but always tries to show kindness. A person who sometimes holds a grudge but always tries to forgive. A person who frequently visits dark places but quickly emerges to a lighter tomorrow. You taught me so many amazing things in the grim life we live. You are the light that shines on your children and husband every single day, the glue that holds us all together and the woman who brought us all together when we needed eachother the most. I hope to always imagine your arms around me and you voice telling me to 'move ahead and be happy' reminding me to never look back on the bad times but to wait for the good. You brought so much light to so many peoples lives and this light will forever shine in our hearts
I know this isn't forever so, until we meet again...Sleep well Mom, and I love you...